I'll admit it, I'm a little depressed. I came home from the doctor yesterday, got in the bed, and I haven't gotten out for more than a few minutes since. It should have been a simple appointment -- a few tests to clear me for surgery. However, nothing has been simple for me lately. The EKG -- performed four times by two different nurses while I laid there getting more afraid -- was "abnormal".
"This line is supposed to go up, but yours goes down," the doctor said. I know the opposite of right is wrong, the opposite of good is bad, and the opposite of up is down. He said the abnormality could indicate I had a symptomless, "silent" heart attack. Yeah, sit with that a minute. I'm 35 years old, and I feel pretty good except for this cranky neck problem, which can be surgically repaired with a little clearance saying my heart can stand the procedure.
Maybe, the doctor said, there is another (harmless) reason for the EKG abnormality. I will have more tests next week to figure it out. Ideally, the test on Tuesday will show immediately and clearly that my heart is fine, and I will be cleared to go ahead with surgery on May 24. Put some good energy into that thought for me.
I really believe my heart is healthy and there is some explanation for this shit test. But I'm scared, still. Scared there is something wrong with my heart, some new thing to deal with. Something that will prevent getting my neck fixed. And btw, those symptoms get a little worse every few days. As of today, I can't pick a book up with my left hand. It's a little funny as I demonstrate for Nick, but it is not really funny. Not funny when I don't know if it will be fixed or how much worse it will get.
For now my reaction is to stay in the bed. Maybe tomorrow I will try something new. Once I get really ready, I'm going gangbusters to prove I am not this sick person.