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It's not you, it's us. I don't think we're a good match.

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Just not a good match. Nearly ten years ago, a doctor told me diabetes would kill me, it was just a matter of how soon. I couldn't see the benefit of his ugly, callous prediction. I couldn't see the benefit of being locked into a medical relationship with someone who saw me as a hopeless expiration date. I decided even with long waits and insurance hurdles, it would always be worth it to find doctors who are supportive and try to understand me as a person. Today, I broke up with my obstetrician. I'm not convinced he's not a good doctor, but he's not a good fit for me.  He has been seeing me for two months to help me prepare for another baby, but I don't think he knows anything about me. Our appointments last less than 5 minutes, he gives me vaguely shaming advice to lose weight, "start" exercising, stop being diabetic. He has never asked me whether I exercise, what I eat, what I do to control my diabetes. He has made assumptions about my life...
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I spend 24 hours alone and this is what happened

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I just booked a hotel room for two nights in November. The hotel is about 5 minutes from my house. I will go for one night of utter solitude and then hand it off to Nick to take a night away from home. If it is in your means and you have also not been alone in 7 months, I recommend a 24 hour retreat. I can make this recommendation from my vast experience having done it for the first time 4 days ago. Here's a sampling of what I did during my 24-hour retreat: Wrote uninterrupted for several hours. Watched a documentary about Abraham Lincoln. Watched MTV's Ghosted, because I'm both high brow and low brow. Watched CNN because I am pretty middle brow too, if we're honest. Ordered a steak dinner and ate it in courses over the entire evening. Ate 6 Reese's cups (which are banned in our house due to allergy). Set an alarm for 10 a.m., the latest I could possibly sleep. (Woke up at 8 a.m. anyway.) Made every decision considering only what I wanted and not the wants and needs...
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No worries.

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My anxieties stand in line all day so they can pop out just when I am ready to go to sleep. Tonight the leaders are all the things the neurosurgeon said were potential risks of this spinal surgery. I don't need to list them here in bold letters, and if it weren't so dark and quiet right now I wouldn't be reminded of them. I would rather think of the potential AWESOMES of spinal surgery: no numbness or pain! no lifting or driving for six weeks! a new short hair cut so it doesn't get tangled in my cervical collar! lots of time to read and nap! I am scheduled to have a discectomy with fusion of two cervical vertebrae on May 24. You can see why in the handy-dandy visual aid to the left. That vertical center line is my spine and the black bulge in the middle of it is the offending disc. So far it is only bad enough to cause pain, numbness, and weakness in my neck, shoulder, arm, and hand. Unchecked, it could eventually cause loss of control of my everything. That's wh...
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