Friday, October 9, 2015

I have diabetes burnout

It started in January. The doctors said, "If you want us to build you another sciencebaby, you have to stop being diabetic. Go!"

I appreciate a challenge, and I was determined. I started seeing my endocrinologist monthly, taking more medication each time, acquiring a continuous glucose monitor, living a model diabetic lifestyle.

I thought a few months, no big deal, I can do this. Every month's test results were a disappointment. I didn't have bad test results, mind you. My labs were always marked "Excellent" -- by diabetic standards.

Regardless, I was chasing a unicorn, trying to meet an unattainable standard, be cured of a disease that doesn't just go away when you ask it to.

That means nine months of neurotic attention to blood sugar readings, food, exercise.  Nine months of recurrent guilt for not being able to meet the goal.

Today I had another appointment with the endocrinologist. I've worried about it all week, wanted to cry from nerves in the waiting room. The diabetes doctor said stress from my diabetes management could be contributing to my migraines.

In a way, trying to get well is making me sick.

This is diabetes burnout. The danger of burnout is a patient could give up treatment all together. No way am I going to do that. I'm still driven to win this game. I just think I could benefit from a day or two of not having to constantly worry about it. Y'all, it is hard always trying to be perfect and never being perfect.  My god, it's exhausting.

This a pivotal point when I could say "forget this" and go off the program for a week. I think I'm lucky to recognize the problem now, before I give up, and put some thought into how I can lighten up and still stay on track.

By the way, my numbers were better today, and I don't have to go back to the doctor for two months.

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