Skip to main content

I have diabetes burnout

It started in January. The doctors said, "If you want us to build you another sciencebaby, you have to stop being diabetic. Go!"

I appreciate a challenge, and I was determined. I started seeing my endocrinologist monthly, taking more medication each time, acquiring a continuous glucose monitor, living a model diabetic lifestyle.

I thought a few months, no big deal, I can do this. Every month's test results were a disappointment. I didn't have bad test results, mind you. My labs were always marked "Excellent" -- by diabetic standards.

Regardless, I was chasing a unicorn, trying to meet an unattainable standard, be cured of a disease that doesn't just go away when you ask it to.

That means nine months of neurotic attention to blood sugar readings, food, exercise.  Nine months of recurrent guilt for not being able to meet the goal.

Today I had another appointment with the endocrinologist. I've worried about it all week, wanted to cry from nerves in the waiting room. The diabetes doctor said stress from my diabetes management could be contributing to my migraines.

In a way, trying to get well is making me sick.

This is diabetes burnout. The danger of burnout is a patient could give up treatment all together. No way am I going to do that. I'm still driven to win this game. I just think I could benefit from a day or two of not having to constantly worry about it. Y'all, it is hard always trying to be perfect and never being perfect.  My god, it's exhausting.

This a pivotal point when I could say "forget this" and go off the program for a week. I think I'm lucky to recognize the problem now, before I give up, and put some thought into how I can lighten up and still stay on track.

By the way, my numbers were better today, and I don't have to go back to the doctor for two months.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

It's not you, it's us. I don't think we're a good match.

Nearly ten years ago, a doctor told me diabetes would kill me, it was just a matter of how soon. I couldn't see the benefit of his ugly, callous prediction. I couldn't see the benefit of being locked into a medical relationship with someone who saw me as a hopeless expiration date. I decided even with long waits and insurance hurdles, it would always be worth it to find doctors who are supportive and try to understand me as a person.

Today, I broke up with
my obstetrician.

I'm not convinced he's not a good doctor, but he's not a good fit for me.  He has been seeing me for two months to help me prepare for another baby, but I don't think he knows anything about me. Our appointments last less than 5 minutes, he gives me vaguely shaming advice to lose weight, "start" exercising, stop being diabetic. He has never asked me whether I exercise, what I eat, what I do to control my diabetes. He has made assumptions about my lifestyle based on my appearance, …

On not waiting for the perfect time

When I got pregnant the second time, I was waiting for that stage to end before I would live my life. Exercise, activities with kids, travel, writing, house projects... Then after the Lizzie came and things were so complicated, I still found myself waiting until she was older, waiting to get out of tangle of doctor appointments.  Then I was planning to start life after both kids were in school, at least three years away! Enough!  Anything I want to do can be adapted to start now, incorporating the kids and whatever challenges we face in our plans.  Some dreams may be better suited for the future, but there will be no more blanket attitude of putting things off for later when it would presumably be easier or less busy. 
There is no perfect time, but the best time could be now.

An insomniac who just can't be satisfied

I had an essay published on Parent.co over the holidays.... read here:

The Value of Late-Night Solitude: A Former Insomniac’s LamentMy insomnia is cured. I take my medication, turn off the lights, and fall straight to sleep. Waking up rested, having energy all day, productivity, and better moods – I am not ungrateful for these benefits. But a little part of me misses those wakeful late nights.