Thursday, March 4, 2010

No one is looking at you

Dear Diary,

I waited almost a week to tell you about my last 5k!

Every one of these experiences comes with its own lesson, and this one was clear from the beginning. This is me when Nick and I pulled into the parking lot at 7:30 Saturday morning:

Hey, do you want to just save the entrance fee and go do our 3.1 miles at the park?

And we would be done faster because we wouldn't have to wait til 9 to start!

Etc.

He got really frustrated with me and said, "If you don't want to do it, just say so!"

He forced me to realize I did want to do it, I was just afraid. Afraid of being chased by jackals? Afraid of the ground swallowing me up? (No joke it happened very nearby not too long ago.) I wasn't even afraid I couldn't do it because 3 miles is no big deal anymore.

I was afraid people would look at me funny! With there little beady zero-body-fat eyes! Look at that girl! She got lost on the way to IHOP this morning! I HATE that kind of judgment, but I am the one visiting it upon myself most often!

I'm going to make this little note to myself really bold so maybe I can remember it:

PEOPLE ARE TOO WORRIED ABOUT THEMSELVES TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU.

Right? Is that guy in the professional racing gear thinking about whether I fit in or about his own goals? Yeah, probably not me. I just always get so nervous thinking I'm going to be humiliated or made fun of. To my knowledge, this has never actually happened.

The race turned out pretty great, a sunny walk/run through UTSA's campus. And if you remember from about a month ago, I'm logging miles to earn a treadmill. I now have 62/100!!!

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